Every woman can relate to the intricacies of female friendship. We can all tell the stories of successes and failures in our relationships with those select few with whom we share the good, the bad, and the ugly of ourselves. These close relationships we have with our besties are different than all other relationships in our lives, and they can be a source of intense satisfaction and comfort or seem like the bane of our existence.
Lauren Mechling is an author and writer for the NY Times, The Wall Street Journal, Slate, The New Yorker, and Vogue, where she writes a book column. Her latest novel, How Could She, was named the most anticipated novel of the summer by Vogue, Entertainment Weekly, Elle, Bustle, Vulture, and more. How Could She is an assured and savagely funny novel about three old friends as they navigate careers, husbands, ex-fiancees, new suitors, and their relationships with each other. Prior to becoming a bestselling author, Lauren worked as a crime reporter, and she’s a graduate of Harvard College who now lives in Brooklyn with her husband and two children. In this episode, Lauren and I discuss how she became a novelist and how she was able to draw from her romantic, platonic, and professional failures to write How Could She, bringing to life her three female characters. We also talk about the ups and downs of the can’t-live-withouts of 21st-century female friendships, how to navigate outdated friendships and the nuances involved in creating new ones.
The story behind How Could She
Lauren’s book tells the story of the ever-shifting triangle of three friends who worked together in an office in their 20’s. The central part of the story takes place when they are in their 30’s, remaining tangled up in each other’s lives even though they ended up in very different places. Lauren says the book came on the heels of two specific failures in her personal life. One was the failure of her writing career, and the other was the grieving process she went through in losing a friendship that was cut off by the other person. The struggles she went through helped fuel the themes of vulnerability, obsession, need, and heartbreak that are prominent in her book.
Why women “break up” with friends
It’s an inevitable part of life that friendships fall apart. For one reason or another, one person decides that they don’t want to be friends anymore. Why is this aspect of friendship so prevalent in female friendships? Lauren explains that women’s friendships depend on the dynamic between two people and how we define ourselves around each other. The closer that two friends become, the less space there is for one to grow and change. It’s a good thing to evolve over the years, but the friendships that leave no room for growth will fall by the wayside.
The 21st-century female friendship
Obsession is an unusual word that can apply to most female friendships. Lauren says that “women intrigue each other and are bewitching in an almost homoerotic way.” Women fascinate each other, and these are the people we want to get to know in ways similar to a courtship. “A successful friendship isn’t only about togetherness and a symbiotic connection, but it allows for apartness to preserve the relationship.”
How women are drawn into friendship
It’s ironic that we don’t always, at first, like the women with whom we become close friends. There is usually an element of envy to these blossoming close relationships in the beginning. We use our friends to learn who we are with a “me, but better” ideal. We are drawn to the friends who become closest to us because they have something we lack, which is the basis for initial envy or jealousy.
A breakthrough lesson in friendship
You may find yourself in a new group of people because of life’s circumstances, and you may find a friendship connection with a new person in that group. As you look for new friends to bring more excitement and growth to your life, you may approach the process of adding friends as a sort of casting search for the perfect new friend. On the flip side, it’s important to realize that most friendships are for a season and will not endure for the long haul. Lauren says the biggest breakthrough lesson in friendship for her has been understanding that it’s OK to let a friendship die. She’s learned that you can’t keep many intense friendships alive at the same time, but need to look for the small moments of connection as they come along.
Friends who try to fix us
Friends are protective and try to help us through our hard times. They try to fix us with their advice and wisdom, but that may not always be what works for us or what we want to hear. When our friends see the pain we’re in and the stress we go through, we need them to trust us and our process for dealing with difficulties. It’s a common but awkward dynamic that is familiar to every woman.
Breakups and third-party friendships
Does this sound familiar? You have a breakup with a friend, but then try to influence third party friends to follow your lead. There is a sense of betrayal when we know mutual friends are still hanging out with your former friend, but we can’t dictate who our other friends remain friends with when there is a breakup. It’s a valid fear, but Lauren says we have to be adults about the situation and not be petty. It’s yet another reason that female friendship brings a dynamic with a beauty of its own.
Highlights of this episode:
- 3:30 – The story behind Lauren’s book
- 8:30 – Why women break up with friends
- 11:54 – The 21st – century female friendship
- 16:35 – How women are drawn into friendship
- 20>00 – Casting for friends
- 21:11 – Lauren’s biggest breakthrough about female friendship
- 29:30 – Friends who want to fix things for us
- 34:40 – Walking through a breakup
- 38:00 – Fem Five
Resources mentioned:
- Find Lauren Mechling on Twitter and find Laurenomics on Instagram
- How Could She by Lauren Mechling
- Quartet in Autumn by Barbara Pym
The Fem Five:
1. Favorite book to recommend for women?
- Quartet in Autumn by Barbara Pym
2. Favorite self – care hack?
- “I feel uncentered and disoriented when I’m not reading for fun, so I try to set aside time for it every day.”
3. Best piece of advice and who gave it to you?
- “A friend and colleague told me that if I want to be a writer, then I should leave NY and find a publication open to a young writer like myself, so that’s what I did.”
4. Female CEO or thought leader you’re into right now?
5. One piece of advice you’d give your five years younger self?
- “Stop trying to fit in, and stop trying to figure out how to do things that people are better at than you are.”
Last Time on The NextFem Podcast
Mentorship as a Business Investment – with Cameron Cegala
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