The power of your words – it’s probably something you haven’t given much thought to on a regular basis. We all can agree that our words have the power to build someone up, tear them down, trigger unimaginable pain and suffering, or bring immense joy, happiness, and self-worth. Why don’t we put more emphasis on thinking about the words we say and their impact on people around us? Why don’t we evaluate the words we speak to ourselves about our worthiness and value? You can see that the words we speak, either with or without much intention, are unspeakably powerful. This realization had everything to do with my guest’s “Aha” moment that put her on the path to huge success in life and business.
Mary Shores is an author, speaker, and entrepreneur. Recognized as a leader of innovative thought, Mary has spent over a decade teaching businesses and individuals how to identify their goals, create new ways of thinking, and take action to create meaningful results. You can learn more about her discoveries in her book, Conscious Communications: A Step-by Step Guide to Harnessing the Power of Your Words to Change Your Mind, Your Choices, and Your Life. In this fascinating conversation, Mary explains how the persistent messages we repeat can frame our thoughts and trap us into mindsets that are difficult to break, the brain science of happiness, and how to feed your strengths and starve your weaknesses.
From breakdown to breakthrough
When Mary Shores was only 19, she found herself at the hospital with her 18 month old daughter, who was born with brain damage due to a lack of oxygen. Mary was a “child dealing with life or death situations, with no money, no guidance, and no hope.” She was too young to understand the inevitability of her daughter’s death, after being told she wouldn’t even survive three days, but watching her hold on for more than a year. At her death, Mary hit rock bottom and was utterly defeated, especially when she compared the events of her life with those of her friends. The secret for Mary turning this tragedy into triumph is in the moments when she recovered and moved on. Through this experience, she has been able to show others what makes a person resilient.
Seizing an unlikely opportunity
Who aspires to be a debt collector? The answer is, of course, “no one.” Mary’s family had a debt collection business, and the opportunity to take the business showed up for her, and she decided to take it. As she focused on each day, one at a time, she wasn’t planning a mega-success story or unrealistic goals. She kept things simple and manageable in those early days, but she always had an internal purpose and mission that kept her going. Mary Shores put in the blood, sweat, and tears to work hard and show up every single day.
Taking a sales approach
Mary always wanted to be a businesswoman and entrepreneur, and she took the opportunity to run her own business, even though it was in the stigmatized and often vilified field of debt collections. Mary Shores wanted to make her business different and not be part of the negative world of threats and intimidations, but wanted to function with her core values. She even tried taking a sales approach to the business of getting people to pay their debts. Did it work? No. The approach failed miserably because of the negativity bias and because her approach didn’t address the shame and unworthiness that people felt because of their debt. It was then that her “Aha” moment occurred and changed her approach, based on the power of words and Mary’s “do not say” list.
Words that Work
Mary developed some key elements to her new approach, beginning with always validating what someone says to you. All it takes is a few words to show that they are being heard. Keep in mind that there is a difference in encouraging their story and validating their story. This method is different than the conditioned responses that we usually use and goes against our natural inclination.
Cleanse or Clog
Getting control of your life will help you create what you want to happen, instead of leaving you swirling in chaos and uncertainty. The “cleanse or clog” approach is about understanding that every word from your mouth, every choice you make, and every action you take is either creating a deeper connection to what you want or driving a disconnection. Ask yourself if the choice you are considering will cleanse or clog. It can become a filter through which to make decisions based on what is good for us.
Getting unstuck
Feeling stuck is the foundation of procrastination. Mary Shores covers this topic extensively in her book. We CAN change our lives just through the power of our words. Feeling stuck leads to feeling guilty, when you just can’t move yourself to do what you know you should do. Sometimes we don’t know how to move forward or we don’t think we have the time. Another reason we feel stuck is that we don’t feel capable or deserving. Mary explains how these feelings can be reversed by simply taking one step in a new direction. She shares her personal experience of this feedback loop in action when she didn’t think she could ever be a writer.
Barrier beliefs
You’ve heard a lot about limiting beliefs, no doubt. Mary Shores chooses to call them “barrier” beliefs, because your belief system doesn’t just limit you from getting what you want, but it literally builds a brick wall in between you and your goal. You’ve got to find a way to break through that barrier.
Feed your strengths
Your strengths are where you’ll find the unique skillsets you came into life with; they are usually the things we enjoy. In the long term, you want to do what you’re really good at and delegate the rest. Focus on developing strengths and starving weaknesses. Identify your strengths by finding a free personality test online, print it out, and highlight three things that resonate with you the most. Have a gratitude practice to be grateful every day for your skills, gifts, and talents. Mary shares a fun and insightful way to evaluate your qualities based on an archetype that tells who you really are inside.
Using affirmations
Affirmations are popular right now, and Mary admits that she was resistant to them at first. The reason is that for some people, affirmations simply reinforce the negative pathways in the neural network and don’t create the positive neural network. The key in using affirmations successfully is to create those that are true for you and make you feel energized and excited inside.
Highlights of the Episode:
- 4:57 – Creating the next chapter with resilience
- 7:47 – Taking a sales approach to collections
- 12:45 – Mary’s “Aha” moment and the power of words
- 14:51 – Turning the negative into the positive
- 16:00 – Elements of Words that Work
- 20:52 – How “cleanse or clog” can help
- 27:23 – Getting unstuck
- 31:15 – Mary’s philosophy at work, beginning with ONE step
- 34:15 – Taking a leap of faith
- 36:00 – Feeding strengths and starving weaknesses
- 40:42 – A fun way to take a new look at yourself and your qualities
- 45:07 – Using affirmations
- 47:17 – The Fem Five
Resources Mentioned:
- www.maryshores.com
- Find Mary on LinkedIn and Facebook (Fearless Ambition)
- Conscious Communications: A Step-by-Step Guide to Harnessing the Power of Your Words to Change Your Mind, Your Choices, and Your Life by Mary Shores
The Fem Five:
1. Favorite book for women?
- “Anything by Brene’ Brown”
2. Favorite self-care hack?
- “Enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning on the back porch”
3. Best piece of advice and who gave it to you?
- “My Reiki massage therapist said, ‘Let go of the judgment and the guilt’.”
4. Female CEO or thought leader you’re into right now?
5. One piece of advice you’d give your five years younger self?
- “The person you marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life, so choose wisely.”
Last Time on The NextFem Podcast
Finding Joy, Saying “No” Without Guilt and Putting Your Needs First – with Amy E. Smith
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